coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
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Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽
Simple
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.