Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
me doing my best
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.