Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
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Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
😭😭
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House