Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
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Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
My dad.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
these can’t be my only options
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob