Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”