Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
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Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.