Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
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“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
こいつ天才
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
If your store’s bowl of water is just for pets you should really put up a sign.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Honey I made you some hotdog water
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.