Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it

I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

Can’t stop laughing

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?

*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

Me: *opens fridge*

Dog: you gonna finish that

I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.

If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.

Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is

I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.

Exec: *under breath* whoa

I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.

The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.

If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.