coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”