Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?

Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator

Me: *puts book down*

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.

Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.

Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.

“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.

A tragic love story in two pictures.

Spring is here!

I got so excited I wet my plants!

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

this is what they would have looked like, though

Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction