Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what does he know…

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.

*sticks hand into jean pocket*

Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?

*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*

Oh, ok.

need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it

HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.

Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.

Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve

Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts