Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

Me: My dog has gone missing

Dog pound: What colour is it?

Me: Brown

Dog pound: Sex?

Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded

I never know how much to tip a cow.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

[helping son with math]

Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.

Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.

I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.

So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.

*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*

Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”

Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.

Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!

Me: I am

Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!

Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.