Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.

i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.

Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’

19: ‘What?’

Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

[canadians at you, canadianly]

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!

You’re welcome!

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.

Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.

Him: You okay?

Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?

growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist

If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…

Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant