Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
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me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
It was worth a shot 😂
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
#merica
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme