[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
