[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
How did we not see this back then?
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
oh my gosh!!
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
