[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
