Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
tell em, edith-anne
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
*files a restraining order against reality*
Seek kebab; not attention