Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.