Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please

her: what’s your fantasy?

me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me

her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy

me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon

Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him

So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.

“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.