Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
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If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
May have had one breakfast too many
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
See..?
.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”