Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
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I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.