Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
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[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Are we there yet?…