cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.
The dark side of Canada
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Happy Halloween 🎃
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
[watching Disney movie]
Daughter: this movie is dumb.
Me: why?
Daughter: the bad guy just told the good guy everything he was gonna do through song.
Me: yeah lol.
Daughter: when I’m a villain I will simply not sing my evil plan out loud for all to hear.
Me: smart-wait what?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”