cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.She looked me in the eye and said….
“I’ll visit you”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!