cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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Person: My two year old is grumpier than usual. I think he’s having a growth spurt.
Me, at 33: I think I am too.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
That chalk outline really brings out your dead eyes
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.