cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
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Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Cereal companies will say “raisins and nuts” on the box, but there are fewer inside every year. They should call their cereal “Granola That Met A Nut At A Party Once,” or “Flakes That Have Heard Of The Concept Of Raisins.” It’s basically a homeopathic dilution at this point.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants