Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Them: your pets are spoiled

Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide

“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.

10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone

They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine

There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

Basketball games are very squeaky.

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”