cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
You Might Also Like
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.