Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.

If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn

I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see

Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones

******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…

😂🐾

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.

i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

[creating seahorses]

God: give em little horsey faces

Angel: aww cute

God: fish lookin bodies

Angel: ok…wait, really?

God: curly-cue tails lol

Angel: this is confusing

God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch

Angel:

God: POP

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.

[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.