cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
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Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.