“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
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My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.