“Cows kill more people than sharks.”
“I’m surprised cows kill any sharks at all.”
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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
PLEASE READ
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
mood
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER