Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
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I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
