Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
why is john fetterman calling brian williams from the blair witch corner
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
