Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

Any time I’ve ever told myself I’m saving a snack for later, “later” ends up being 2 minutes

Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*