Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]

10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time

I did not eat the cake…

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

God: you can sting people more than once.

Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.

God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.

Bee: what’s up?

God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.

Wasp:

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?

Me: *reverses baseball cap*

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

What the hell happened here.

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad

Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny