Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Woke up against my better judgment again
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.