Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
The Backseat Boys
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol