Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
You Might Also Like
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Van Gone
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.