Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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Beauty and the Beast
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses