Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
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Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I needed a laugh this morning.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids