Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation ….

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My parents: we have something to tell you

Me: ok

Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm

Me: Ya, muffin

Parents: well that didn’t actually happen

Me: oh no

Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers


I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know


I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.


If history repeats itself, I’m totally getting a dinosaur.


Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.


I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.


[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot


“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*


Me: I’m sorry if I’ve been short tempered with you. I’m just worried about my boyfriend. I haven’t heard from him since yesterday and that’s not like him.

My husband: