Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details

The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.

Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.

Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

i’m having this made into a welcome mat

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!

My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’

Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.