@rcromwell4

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

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@SamNonTheWiser

Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s PR team have moved quickly to get ahead of the situation

@KylePlantEmoji

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

@3sunzzz

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

@Dr_Teflon

*Ex wife yelling at me from driveway*

I HOPE YOU DIE A LONG AND PAINFUL DEATH!

Me- no babe I’m not moving back in

Ex-…..

@Ygrene

[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying

@BoomBoomBetty

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

@JohnLyonTweets

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

@kelkulus

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

@ElgatoEsmio

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER