*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

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ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about “cover your pin” mf you the thief


Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything


Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.


A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.


I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.


I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.


In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.


Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…

Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back


This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font


I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.