Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

American Horror Story: Public Restroom

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest

my dad when a sex scene comes on

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.

When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.

She meant goals

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

*goes down on one knee*

One Knee: I have a girlfriend

Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.

My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”

Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.

While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

Quarantine log, Day 8:

Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.

Me: What for? You have plenty of food.

Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.

Me:

Me: You can talk!