Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

the lamestream media wants you to call them “pigeons”. but CRIME BIRDS are terrorizing our cities: stealing wifi, causing sunspots, downloading cars

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

[me telling a joke]

guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.

ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous

“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”

Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year

You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals