cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
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I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Worth the read.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian