Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears

When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt

Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

*deep inhale*

YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”

Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.

Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.

Gas station lines at 2 am:

Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.

“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime

[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]

I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them

Ken is short for chicken

Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.

16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’

Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’

16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.