*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Milk Cube
A great first step 😂
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.