Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this

upon my death:

1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.

Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year

[inventing the pelican]

god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.

Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”

Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife

My 7-year-old wrote this joke:

What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.

I’ve never been more proud.

“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.

he’ll never suspect a thing

when u come home smelling like another dog

Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.

[movie theater]

Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?

Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?