Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.

I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*

5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?

*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*

Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go

5yo: I’m full from leaves

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

(Watching him change a flat tire)

Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it

Me: We sure will

(Hands him the bottle)

Him: The CAR jack

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.

Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.

what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented

I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.