Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?

Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

Labreador

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.