Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.

When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

[floor creaks inside mansion]

Robber 1: shhhhhh…

Robber 2: …

[Fitbit buzzes]

Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

they see me scrollin

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you

Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance

My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.