If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
You Might Also Like
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.