Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
it was love at first sight
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Tired of people being like “here’s my go-to easy meal” and then starting to preheat the oven
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.