Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…