Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”