Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT

Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering

Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs

Me: How much funding do you need

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.

My favorite fruit salad is sangria.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

*first day of pilot school*

Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description

Me: Why do you say that

The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.