Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
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(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Put my back out twerking in the library again
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.