Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
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gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
don’t be scared
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
The year is 2075. Nuclear fallout has caused genetic mutations resulting in people having six to eight fingers on each hand. Some people have three arms. It’s horrifying, but on the plus side, AI-generated art finally looks true to life.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.