Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.

“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?

Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book

Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.

They’re dead.

This is completely inappropriate. Where do I sign up?

[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.

* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping

Me: We’re ordering pizza.

8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!

Me: We order pizza every week.

8: I have lots of best days.

and that’s why I’m fat🤭