Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself

Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?

Me : I’m kind of AMPED.

Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you

Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

best review i’ve ever seen

“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

When he asks for feet pics

Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.