Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
You Might Also Like
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale