Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever

“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”

~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.

Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.

So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.

Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom

Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.

What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?

My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.

Hot hot hot 🥵

I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

synchronized noseblowing

Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*