Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
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Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
All these self driving vehicles..It’s only a matter of time that we hear a country song about his truck leaving him
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”