Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
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Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Thursday Thought.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?