Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

The Punning Dead.

is it earth

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this

– me on my own cooking show

The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

Nice try, poison.

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.

After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.