Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
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Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe