Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects

my bed: [chuckles darkly]

I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.

[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]

Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

Jimmy Fallon:

Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*

Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”

can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

Cashier: this coupon expired last week

Me: so did this yogurt

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

Ever since CATS come out things have been way off

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.

I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.