Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]

I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

lol

“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”

-Sir Smirnoff

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!

Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer

The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.

Spa day..😅

Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.

I found out my girlfriend was really a ghost

I suspected so, the moment she walked through the door

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.

customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.