Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
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I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.