Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!

My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.

[furniture store]

Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.

If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab

It’s almost midnight and my 44 years old ass is still up trying to figure out what I’m going to wear for the costume party that social-me proposed at work and now no-social- tired-broke me wants to punch me right on the nununana for having that dumb idea.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.

This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.

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pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…

I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.

…So I’ve got like 4 hours left

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

genie: are you sure?

me: just do it

*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.

Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.