Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it

{two minutes later} ooh baby baby

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.

One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*

I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

They should make a moral fiber supplement

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/Fun9jibWYAEsfWD.mp4

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?

I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

what kind of cook setting is this??

The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.