Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”

Now this is how you LinkedIn

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

I love snow

– People who never shovel

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

Fixed this for Shakespeare

the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

greetings!

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning

Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”

(Showing off new car)

Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?

Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one