[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
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When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
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DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
#Caturday
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]
Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.
6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs